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Mote - Raphaela67 by ~Rag-n-Bone-Shop:iconRag-n-Bone-Shop:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Nature > Fixed


raindrops strike steel roof
Nature's Riverdance
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1st Challenge - Critique here

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:iconneovolatile:
*Neovolatile May 17, 2008, 4:51:32 PM
Raphaela, I love that I can see and hear the thunder of all those dancing feet (especially Michael Flatley) in the Riverdance performance and then relate that back to the rain drops on the steel roof! Got the bounce and the sound and then the whole idea of water dancing. It is effective, new, and completely caught me by surprise. Brava!

I do wonder at no title, no cap at the first, and no punctuation. I would consider all three. Not saying you need them all, just to consider them.

A mote seems almost like a western haiku, doesn't it? Ells

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My comments made with best intentions. Then again, the road to Hell is paved with them. Please visit my site and return the favor. Regards, Ells
:iconraphaela67:
~raphaela67 May 17, 2008, 6:00:16 PM
Thanks for your comments and critiques. I'm glad the metaphor is working. Your points about title, and grammatical issues are well made. I do usually conform to standard practice in the latter, as you know. I will take that advice under consideration. Coming up with a title that won't give things away is a bit of a challenge. The first thing that comes to mind is "Spring Shower."

This form does indeed seem a bit like a haiku. (or a senryu in the case of your own example) There are some differences, of course, but there is a very similar condensation of thought and emotion.
:iconneovolatile:
*Neovolatile May 18, 2008, 5:29:14 AM
I also love how quick the sounds are in the tenor: rain drops strike steel roof: bang bang bang bang bang! Five hard syllables pounding down. Then you let the water run off the roof with "Nature's Riverdance" in the vehicle, which seems so much smoother. It is a lovely progression of sound that you do not catch unless you read the poem aloud. This points out something I have always felt: poetry is a spoken-word art. Read the thing aloud.

--
My comments made with best intentions. Then again, the road to Hell is paved with them. Please visit my site and return the favor. Regards, Ells
:iconraphaela67:
~raphaela67 May 18, 2008, 5:51:30 PM
Thanks for the reminder. And thanks for pointing out how the sonics work with the meaning. To be honest, I must admit that it was serendipity, not planning that made it turn out that way. Or perhaps just the subconscious doing its work.
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